High strung? Or passionate?

In recent years, I have become very passionate about many things. Of these many things I would like to think that music was at the center of it all. I love music. I am not fabulous but I'm ok. I could never do it for a living but I love playing and being around people who play it. These people are the ones that I hold dear. They understand my humor and my reasonings to do things. Sometimes...

Passon can sometimes get confused with other emotions... These are the emotions that people see from you on the surface. They also see what they want to see. My passion that drove me everyday of my life and took over my life was often confused with other things. These things could be different from person to person. What I viewed as passion others viewed as over confidence, bitchy-ness, power hungry, or controlling.... I was recently described as "high strung"

This has been very hard for me to deal with in my life. Although now I am no longer involved in things that make me that passionate, I do realize that I am much more chill. As we learn in this life and continue to grow It is very important to find the balance between looking to the future and reviewing the past. Looking back, yes I may have appeared to fit into the above mentioned categories, but I did everything I did to make something better. To have success. Did I get credit? Some but not for everything. That is fine. My reward was seeing the success of my passion.

As I look to the future, I am aiming to integrate passion and being chill into one..

To those who didn't understand, I'm over whatever you thought it was.

20- something culture.

"So i recently graduated from college..."

That seems to have replaced, "I'm in college," in alot of conversations. As I have moved into this post undergrad life, I realized that alot has changed in a few months....

The bad things...
1. Seeing everyone go back.
As all of my college friends go back to school, I began to realize that I was NOT going with them. Sure I can visit, but its not the same. Stories are missed. New people come into friends groups. But it doesn't matter what you do, you are powerless to stop it unless you want to be THAT creepy alumni... No one likes that Alumni who doesn't go away. Going back is fine in moderation and most of the time your friends want you to come back anyway but it's better to be asked than to assume...

2. Being a real person.
Now that I am out of college, I think about how certain actions will affect me. I can't go drinking as much, I have to go to bed early, because I have a job. Suddenly, starbucks is expensive and designer labels and fancy bags aren't as practical for some reason. You also begin to worry more about long term things instead of short term goals. Now that you are a real person your life isn't ruled by semesters and getting things done in a structured time. You have to structure your own time. You have to figure out what is best for you now. No one is telling you unless your parents are hovering. Motivating yourself to declare time structure coming from years of one being handed to you isn't that easiest thing in the world to do.

3. No longer part of a culture...
While you are in college you are part of the larger college culture and the local campus culture. It is a great feeling to be apart of this group of peers that has the same jokes, ideas, and humor. Now that I am separated from this culture, I feel a sense of loss. As a post undergraduate 20 something, I really don't belong to an organized group. I still feel like I belong to the college culture but as the next group of college kids come in I feel like its changing into something that I can not fully be apart of anymore. The endless search for that 20-something culture will never feel the same as college culture either. Although they have traits in common, other factors pull on the 20-something culture that college culture doesn't have to worry about. I'm still trying to figure out what they are.. but these factors make all the difference!

4. The change of a pattern.
As this school year starts, I realized that for the first time in 19 years I am NOT going back to school. That is such a weird concept and pattern to accept. From preschool to my super senior year in college, by the end of august I was going back to school. This year, I didn't go school shopping... I didn't buy pencils or lisa frank folders or clothes... I did however but a new Vera Bradley bag.. I don't think that will ever change.. But in all reality I am in completely new territory. I will have money in the Fall! What a concept!?! I have a job. with a paycheck that will keep coming as long as I work for it. It's rewarding but scary as hell that I am getting old and my patterns will never be the same.

5. Social networking is painful...
When I log onto facebook, twitter, or instagram I feel as though I see everything that people are doing in college. You can't avoid it. You crave it. but it kills you. Seeing everyone go to campus events, and participate in campus traditions is more hard than leaving in the first place because you realize that the campus is going on without you. And it's scary as hell because you were apart of that for 4 (or in my case 5) years.

6. Debt....


The good things
1. Time
Now that I don't have papers due every other night and readings that, let's be honest I never did, I have time. Time to write in this blog. Time to actually try the things that I see on Pinterest. I can pick up more crafty hobbies that I only did during summer and winter breaks. I can catch up on all of the books I said I wanted to read and never did. This new amount of time can also be used to simply relax and catch up with family. And most importantly I can do things for myself! I don't have to come home and have my evening planned because something is due! Also now that I have more time, things like paying bills and such don't seem as scary because you actually have time to do them.

2. Food Choices
Despite the fact that Taco Bell is delicious, now that I am out of college I find myself wanting to eat healthier. I might not be able to afford it, but my food choices are much better than they used to be. Pizza, ramen, chinese, and chicken fingers are no longer the staples of my diet. Not only is this better for my heath but I don't really miss the food I had while in college. Sure I still get these things sometimes, but the choices that I have now are wider. Going to the dining hall is no longer an option.. so I am on my own for food. I might as well make it good!

3. Alumni Status
At least at Shippensburg University, I feel welcomed as an alumni. I can still wear the expensive appearal from the bookstore, which I really still can't afford. But still I can go to Football games and still enjoy the atmosphere even though its just for a while. Nice thing is

4. My focus
I can focus on more things now instead of just getting my degree and working! I can finally begin to learn things that will allow me to be the person I want to be! Education is great but finding yourself is even better! From learning to sew more to spirituality to yoga! I have plans :)

Questionable things
1. View of my laptop...
After grauation I realized that I started to use my laptop less and less. Again I don't have to write papers every other day and looks up online readings anymore. For the first two weeks of summer vaction this year I didn't touch my computer at all. In fact it even went dead... Which has only happened to me like twice in the five yeras ive had this laptop. Although I was using my computer less and even my iPhone, I can't decide if it will stay that way. in recent weeks I have been using my laptop more again. I am realizing that it is a big connection to the "20-something culture" that I have been looking for.


I am sure there will be more of these things that come about as the autumn goes on.. But these are the things I have found for now :)

x Riah

I am my own worst enemy..

I find it interesting that I make all of these plans of things to do but I forget till I realize that I don't have time.

On the surface I have accomplished a lot but in the personal realm I feel as though I have gone backwards. I worry too much. I try to change thing that I can't change. My efforts to change these things in turn gain the opposite goal than what I am aiming for. When good things do happen I find myself focusing on the little not so good things that happened. I over analyze everything that I sort into this category so much that I forget about the good.

I am my own worst enemy...

I care way too much about what other people think of what I wear, eat, drink, and do.. I can't express myself because I am afraid that my friends will not accept me the way I am. In doing this I destroy my body and my mind.

My goal is to move past this issue. It seems to me that just by typing it out that it has helped. I haven't figured out how to do this yet.. but i'll keep you posted.

Ocean of Possibilities

So I have been thinking lately... As a child I used to hate change. Change meant that things could go wrong. When things went wrong then I would get yelled at. For a long time I hated change and it lasted all the way through high school. When I got to college my eyes were opened to the world or so it seemed to me. I was a small town girl who had traveled but never left. Even going to a small state university completely changed my life. And I'm glad.

Leaving makes all the difference. In fact I am realizing that now stability unsettles me more now than ever. College taught me, and continues to teach me, that change is needed. Change runs the world. Without it history would be very un eventful and boring. Now to me my college town seems small and inconvenient and I can see myself going to a huge university that can open my mind even wider. However, little things like money and other life challenges are most likely going to stop that or put it on hold. I am tired of being told I can't.. I dipped my toes in the ocean of the world's possibilities and I want to jump in.

Ranting..

I really don't know what form this blog is going to take. Years ago, I had a live journal but I haven't used that in a long time.
I suppose I am going to blog about things on my mind or my interests. I don't really expect anyone to read this either. This is for me. Not for you. If you don't like it then bugger off... you don't have to read it.
Something that has been on my mind lately is the concept of religion. The more I study history the more I have started to question the ideals of christianity. By no means do I no longer believe in god but I have a hard time trusting a religion shaped by corrupt men throughout time to suit what was at their advantage. I really like the idea of a natural religion. Call me pagan if you want but if you are going to label me then you must know more about me than I do because I still don't know what I am yet. It's interesting how somethings stay constant in our lives for the longest time as we strive for stability. Then we hit that point where we begin to question everything... That point when we are knowledgeable enough to question everything. It surely does throw me for a loop. I will be 23 in a few months and I have no idea how I got here.

History is a cyclic poem written by time upon the memories of man.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley